Let’s talk about death baby… (FYI this one is a long one)

Last year was a tough year and I tried to take on one too many things at once. I started LTWL full time (starting a business is not for the weak at heart), I had to hire new employees, figuring how full I can make my plate before it cracked and all with having a sick dog at home who I was trying to spend as much time as I could while I had it. Needless to say staying on top of a blog would not have fit on that plate. Now that I have more of a control I am hoping to stay on top of this. I had to stop using my websites blog area, it was too hard to use so back to wordpress it is!

 

I think I should start in the middle or where everything started to get out of control. It is very easy, I got busy and life got really hard! Now have a couple great girls helping me out and life is looking up or at the least I am healed a little bit more.

 

Last year I lost my best friend in the world. Most people would assume I am talking about my Jack because he was my dog but he was my baby, like my child. Largo was my solace in the world. He made me whole. He is the one who opened the door to this life I have now. I owe him everything, I owe his family everything. Largo passed on August 20th 2015. His parents were on a cruise in Europe celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary; his sisters were at their homes in NYC. I noticed something wasn’t right. I could list it all off (the actual symptoms haunt me) but no one would understand because to some it would have just been small things but I knew him too well. I couldn’t wait until his parents came home. I couldn’t wait until his sister (the youngest of the 3) got here from New York; she was on the way to the airport when I told her I was taking him in to the vet. Something was just not right and I hate to admit I was right. His abdomen was filled with fluid, his chest cavity was full of cancer and his heart was bleeding out. I never want to be that right again. I stayed with him until the end and I wouldn’t have it any other way, his last breath was with HIS best friend on her lap.

 

His last day was completely with me, he didn’t leave my side. That was pretty normal for us, especially when his mom and dad were out of town. We went to breakfast. He came with me to all my houses and we went to a new park for our afternoon walk. We went for a swim in his pool. We watched TV. I cooked him dinner. We sat outside and rolled down his hill. We went on our evening walk where he played with the neighbors grandkids. We slept, he slept I tossed and turned he just wasn’t right. We got up and went on our normal morning walk; on our walk is when I called the vet because something wasn’t right. My only regret was I didn’t go on a longer walk with him, it still eats me inside. I took him to the vet and they told me I shouldn’t stay because I couldn’t be with him through the x-rays anyways. I vividly remember demanding they not put him under, I don’t know why looking back I think it was because I didn’t want to leave him if he never woke up. The vet said they would call me in an hour or so. When I got the call I was told “I talked to the ____ (I don’t want to say their last names), and they want to go ahead with euthanasia”. I have known his vet, who is mine as well and the BEST damn vet in the world, I lost my mind. I broke down. My world shattered! My Jack was supposed to go first, he had f’ing cancer. Largo was supposed to be my strength. Largo was suppose to hold me up my when that part of me died. Largo couldn’t die first! I felt so bad for Dr. Doles. He was the one who had to tell me. It wasn’t anyone’s fault but time was of the essence. The parents who were still in Europe had to call their children and they were broken too. They couldn’t even say goodbye, the final part that still kills me. I pulled up my boots and grabbed his favorite toys and went to say goodbye. He was so happy to see me. He grabbed his one toy, the one I got him last year just for being my BFF. He walked with it so proud and happy. He tired so quickly. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I will spare everyone the details. I will say he willing lay in my lap and decided it was time to take a cat nap; he never woke up with the aid of the vet. I ran home and fell into Jacks neck. I told him he had to give me a month to mourn and to love him because yesterday I was ready to lose my baby but now I wasn’t to be alone in this world.

 

Six week later I did the same with Jack. We watched the sunrise the day before; I didn’t want to make him go outside because it was too hard on him the last day. We had a full Burger King breakfast with hash browns and his favorite sandwich. He tried to kill the mailman one last time through the window and I didn’t stop him. Dr. Doles came to my house. Shelly, one of the awesome vet techs held me. Jack passed went and joined Largo with his head on my lap too. Both dogs were given the exact instruction they were not to fight! I loved them both equally but differently. They both made me in to the person I am today. I told them both I would have other dogs but their place was permanent in my heart.

 

I would love to tell you that is where it ends and began but I lost a close client of mine 6 weeks before Largo. His name was Indy and he was so special. He was such a great and loving dog, he was definitely a clown. A few weeks after Jack a long time friend turned client lost one of hers to the big C too. I wish I knew Sadie better but it was still heartbreaking.

 

The worst was just a few weeks ago we lost Max. He was having seizures and they got really bad and nothing was helping. He couldn’t go on living in pain. This one rocked me almost as bad as Largo. Max was there the day I got Jack’s diagnosis. Max was there the day after I lost Jack. Max made me fall in love with Norwegian Elkhounds and their weird ways. Max was always by my side when I walked into his house. He was so excited that we got to hangout. He joined his BFF Indy who was his brother. My heart breaks for his family too. Two dogs in a little over 6 months, it makes me sick to know the heartache they feel.

 

I haven’t felt whole since October 5, 2015 when Jack passed. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I felt very lost in this world. I don’t feel like I have a home. I don’t have a place. I have felt alone and sad since Largo passed but when Max passed I finally felt done with the sadness and darkness I was living in. I really think Max took a part of me to heaven to be with my three musketeers and the rest of me is ready to move on.

 

Death is hard. It is really hard and completely out of our control. They are NOT just dogs. They are not temporary. They are not a responsibility that lasts only 8-12 years but a part of you who will live on forever. They leave this hole in your heart and soul that can never be mended but it isn’t like there is always an absence but this shadow that is always there. There are times, just like your real shadow, that you can’t see it but it is always with you. That is like the pets we lost, always there. Sometimes so big and dark they startle us and like a child we cry because there is nothing else we can do. Sometimes it makes us laugh because it is random. No matter what form it is in it is always with us, they are always with us.

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